{"id":3665,"date":"2015-08-06T10:08:53","date_gmt":"2015-08-06T08:08:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kerstinpur.de\/?p=3665"},"modified":"2025-02-04T10:20:25","modified_gmt":"2025-02-04T09:20:25","slug":"king-and-cripple-at-the-same-time-or-how-to-deal-with-disappointment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/koenig-und-krueppel-zugleich-oder-wie-man-mit-enttaeuschungen-umgehen-kann\/","title":{"rendered":"King and cripple at the same time. Or: How to deal with disappointment"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/BS-150711-166-730-319.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-3670\" src=\"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/BS-150711-166-730-319-300x131.jpg\" alt=\"BS-150711-166-730-319\" width=\"543\" height=\"237\" \/><\/a>In the last few days, I have had several (!) people who had agreed to help me renovate my boat for several days cancel at short notice. Of course, there were good reasons. Nevertheless, I cried with frustration and disappointment on the third cancellation. I had been so looking forward to the help! And I was thoroughly irritated. Reliability is very important to me and I can't really understand how you can simply cancel an appointment at lunchtime that you planned and agreed to a week earlier and confirmed in the morning. I can hardly understand or comprehend that.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>How can you deal with disappointment? <\/strong><\/h2>\n<h2><strong>Strategies for disappointment that I find unhelpful\u00a0 <\/strong><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Wiping away and talking down:<\/strong> Just pretend it doesn't bother you: \"It doesn't matter. I can understand that.\" That's okay for minor irritations. You don't have to deal with and discuss every little thing. It's often more of a burden than it helps. But when it comes to the other person's behaviour, which affects me deeply and disappoints and upsets me, \"sponge over it\" would not be right or honest for me. No, I'm not indifferent. And I can't really understand it. Besides, swallowing everything makes you ill in the long run. So that option is out for me.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Condemn:<\/strong> You judge the other person as a whole person. And you come to the conclusion: \"People who are so stingy, who don't provide help, who put themselves at the centre of attention, who behave in this way or that, are the last piece of shit anyway.\" Or \"They don't even need to call themselves Christians!\"<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When I hear something like that, it hurts my heart. Someone is verbally excluded from the family of people or believers because they have not acted as expected in one area. People are always a mixture. There is a woman - wonderfully sensitive to people and communication - and sometimes hopeless as far as her own life is concerned. There is a man full of faith who prays passionately for others, but is deaf on both ears when they need practical help. There is someone who invests a lot of time and energy in the lives of others and at the same time is unreliable when it comes to appointments and commitments.<\/p>\n<p>It is certainly a way of relieving your own inner burden to deny people who disappoint you their faith, their humanity, their intellect or whatever. But in my opinion, that doesn't do justice to the other person as a whole. And it burns all bridges to the other person - which I think is a great pity.<\/p>\n<p>Some people even do this with God. If he doesn't do what they expect of him in one area, they judge him as unreliable, unloving or untrustworthy overall and inwardly break off the bridge to him. Also a great pity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What can you do then? <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I have found two words that help me to deal with such disappointments: <strong>King and cripple.<\/strong> Every person - including me - is a king to a certain extent. He is someone who shapes some areas of his life in an exemplary manner and rules them with a wise hand. I might even admire him for it. And he is someone who still has \"growth potential\" in other areas of his life, as the coaching jargon goes.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/2015-05-03-18.57.54.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-3668\" src=\"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/2015-05-03-18.57.54-300x300.jpg\" alt=\"2015-05-03 18.57.54\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" \/><\/a>Many trees and bushes grow on the edge of a suburban railway line. In some places there was so much undergrowth that the tree had no strength to spread out. The branches were barely developed or stunted and looked sad.<\/p>\n<p>I think it's similar in the lives of many people. There are areas where they had a lot of light and warmth and were able to develop strong and healthy. And there are areas where pain, thorns, lack of warmth and light led to crippling. I believe that there is no such thing as a person who is only a king or only a cripple. But what do you do when you have experienced the cripple in another and suffer as a result?<\/p>\n<h2><strong>Strategies for disappointment that I find helpful <\/strong><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Compassion:<\/strong> First with myself! Yes, I am sad. I didn't expect there to be a weakness in this area - and yes, I'm missing something. Maybe closeness, maybe support. Disappointment is a good opportunity to discover what I need - and to find creative ways to grow in caring for myself. Sometimes the anger is gone after a good dose of self-empathy. Sometimes it doesn't. Then there are more possibilities.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Check your own expectations:<\/strong> It occasionally happens to me that people have expectations of me that I can't and don't want to fulfil. They want me to review manuscripts free of charge or give advice on book projects. They may then be disappointed when I don't fulfil their expectations. Everyone has the right to decide how they want to act. Every now and then it is good to examine your own expectations and ideas of what the other person should do for you: Is it really appropriate? Does it fit into their life? Within the scope of their abilities? In our relationship. That can take the pressure off.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Acceptance: <\/strong>The other person is who they are right now: king in some areas, cripple in others. I can be happy about the strong things in their life without having to belittle (\"sponge over it\") or condemn the weak things. That's what I want for myself too, to be seen as a king and a cripple and to receive acceptance and help in the areas where I am still weak.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Transparent communication:<\/strong> Where it fits the situation - share your own heart. \"When I experienced that you...., I was sad \/ helpless \/ angry because support \/ reliability \/ empathy \/ attention \/ ... \/ is important to me. Perhaps it touches the other person and triggers a process of change.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Growth promotion:<\/strong> Perhaps it is appropriate within the context of the relationship to support the other person to change. I have only recently discovered an area in myself where I experience myself as crippled. I know that I can't change this overnight. And I am happy about the people who accept my remaining weaknesses and help me to change.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Trust:<\/strong> Those who make their well-being dependent on one or a few people are more susceptible to disappointment than those who believe that the gifts of life can come to them in many different ways. I believe that what one person cannot give me at the moment because they are crippled in one area, I can perhaps receive in another way. Through God, through myself, through other people.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>That was my experience: a friend who had read about my disappointment at the cancellations spontaneously decided to help me on board for an afternoon. He built a marvellous box for the heating system on board. And comforted my heart. And he talks openly about how he is struggling to develop new strength in some \"crippled\", uncertain areas of his life. Yes, that's how it is right now. And in the area of compassion and support, he is a king in my eyes. I think that's wonderful.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In den letzten Tagen habe ich es mehrfach (!) erlebt, dass Menschen, die mir zugesagt hatten, mehrere Tage bei der Renovierung meines Schiffes zu helfen, kurzfristig abgesagt haben&#8230;.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"Wie man mit Entt\u00e4uschungen umgehen kann","_seopress_titles_desc":"Die Zuverl\u00e4ssigkeit ist sehr wichtig. Wie kann man einen Termin absagen, den man eine Woche zuvor geplant und zugesagt, am Morgen noch best\u00e4tigt hat.","_seopress_robots_index":"","_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[32,25,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3665","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-beziehung-naehe","category-glaube-vertrauen","category-leben-meistern-swing"],"featured_image_data":null,"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":32,"label":"Beziehung und N\u00e4he"},{"value":25,"label":"Glaube und Vertrauen"},{"value":1,"label":"Leben meistern - Swing"}]},"featured_image_src_large":false,"author_info":{"display_name":"Kerstin Hack","author_link":"https:\/\/63cfd2629054c8f4hack.de\/en\/author\/63cfd2629054c8f4\/"},"comment_info":2,"category_info":[{"term_id":32,"name":"Beziehung und N\u00e4he","slug":"beziehung-naehe","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":32,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":62,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":32,"category_count":62,"category_description":"","cat_name":"Beziehung und N\u00e4he","category_nicename":"beziehung-naehe","category_parent":0},{"term_id":25,"name":"Glaube und Vertrauen","slug":"glaube-vertrauen","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":25,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":109,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":25,"category_count":109,"category_description":"","cat_name":"Glaube und Vertrauen","category_nicename":"glaube-vertrauen","category_parent":0},{"term_id":1,"name":"Leben meistern - Swing","slug":"leben-meistern-swing","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":1,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":552,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":1,"category_count":552,"category_description":"","cat_name":"Leben meistern - Swing","category_nicename":"leben-meistern-swing","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":false,"ase":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3665","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3665"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3665\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45467,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3665\/revisions\/45467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3665"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3665"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kerstinhack.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3665"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}