Feeling responsible

First of all: Taking responsibilityFeeling responsible isn’t a feeling. That might surprise some people, because this „feeling of responsibility“ does indeed feel like a feeling. But if you take a closer look, you’ll realise that this feeling consists of two parts:

• – the idea that „I think I am responsible“
• – a feeling – such as pressure, anxiety, stress, feeling overwhelmed, or sadness.

I’m not usually one to split hairs, but in this case it’s important to me. Because this distinction can open the door to freedom. Once you realise, „I think I’m responsible“, you can examine that critically:

• Am I really to blame?
• To what extent am I responsible?
• Do I want to be responsible?
• Who else is responsible?

That alone can be a relief. There are situations in which you are actually responsible. Parents, for example, are responsible for their children – more so when they are young, and less so as they get older.

But what about the feelings one actually feels?

In the vast majority of cases, the „feeling“ of responsibility is nothing more than empathy and a sense of connection – coupled with sadness. You sense that the other person is not well. You empathise with them. And at the same time, you have your own feelings: sadness, helplessness, pressure or similar (depending on the situation and your thought patterns). This jumble of thoughts and feelings is then called „I feel responsible.“

What can be done?

I believe that adults are primarily responsible for their own lives. I cannot and must not take responsibility for anyone who is an adult. That is their responsibility. At most, I can take responsibility in specific areas – in coaching, for example, I am responsible for facilitating a good process for the duration of an hour. As a publisher, I have a responsibility to guide my staff effectively, and so on.

Every now and then, though, I still find myself „feeling responsible“. A good friend is stressed – and I sense it and think I have to help him now. A friend isn’t feeling well – I slip into a sense of responsibility. Whenever I catch myself doing this, I’ve always consciously done two things internally:

• I consider whether and how I would like to support the person and, if appropriate, let them know.
• In my heart, I said: „I am placing the responsibility for your life back in your hands.“

My friend Rosemarie suggested a third step, which I think is lovely:

• „I bless you, that you may bear this responsibility well.“.

I really love this third step – I can and am allowed to offer my blessing – and in doing so, strengthen and support the other person in their ability to take control of their life. I find that a great relief and a source of joy.

By the way, the photo shows barges from above… it’s a good thing that each barge carries only its own load, otherwise it would sink.