St John's Passion. Or: When Jesus speaks unexpectedly.

What a gift!

A friend had given me a free ticket for the St John Passion. I wanted to have a quiet Good Friday. It was a good fit. And even in the fourth row of the Philharmonie. I've never had such a good seat before. I could see the children in the children's choir singing along passionately or marvelling at and examining their hands during the breaks when it wasn't their turn. It was beautiful.

Except for ... the evangelist. He sang well. No question about it. But there was something about his demeanour that bothered me. Sometimes he went down on his knees (perhaps to gain momentum?), gestures and facial expressions were quite intense. I started to get upset about what I perceived as theatrics. And remembered something I read this morning in a Lecture by Johannes Hartl had heard (freely reproduced): When we think about something (or judge or even condemn it) - we are no longer in the present. Neither in our own mindful presence nor in the perceptible presence of God. Ouch.

So I tried to stop judging and condemning. Instead, I just tried to be there and be aware. Which, despite all my efforts, was a complete failure. Because I wasn't getting anywhere, I came up with the idea of asking Jesus for help.

I asked „Jesus, how do you see him?“

A question suddenly popped into my head: „Isn't he beautiful?“ 

There are times when I am unsure whether I have heard something from God or whether it is my own thoughts. But here it was clear: that was definitely not my thought... On top of that, I had heard it with such love and warmth in my voice that I only know from Jesus... or from a few people who are strongly influenced by him.

So I continued to look at the man and tried to perceive what Jesus probably saw of beauty in him... it was still a bit of a ping-pong between what I still didn't like and the idea of what Jesus probably saw.

And then I suddenly thought. Some people probably feel the same way about me. I gesticulate quite intensely when I give presentations, a rather introverted friend once said: „If I didn't know you, I'd get scared sitting in the front row!“ 

And I thought to myself what it would be like if other people complained about me to people or to Jesus. When they might say: „Gosh, is that Kerstin Hack but extroverted, loud, colourful!“

I would like Jesus to say to them: „Isn't she beautiful, my daughter!“

Slowly I could see it more and more... the beauty that Jesus saw in the singer.

At the end of the final chorale, he sat quietly, but sang along with all his heart to support the choir: „I will praise you forever!“ And when a little girl presented him with a bouquet of flowers, he beamed more warmly all over his face than I had seen anyone beam for a long time. He was beaming, I was crying.

Yes, Jesus, he is beautiful!

***********

Afterwards, there was the icing on the cake. When I heard the soprano sing the opening song „Ich folge dir nach mit freudigen Schritten!“ and saw her face beaming so intensely, I thought: she looks like she's really singing this from the bottom of her heart. In retrospect, I „accidentally“ learnt that she is actually a friend of Jesus... She even gave her flowers to the second violin (they rarely get flowers). I thought that was beautiful too.