Get rid of anger

Something stupid happens. And you get annoyed. Usually the anger is quickly dispelled, but sometimes it stays with you for a long time. What helps?

- Swallowing down anger is heavy on the stomach and, in the worst case, can lead to stomach ulcers and other problems.

- Let out anger and thoroughly berate the person causing the anger (regardless of whether you did something stupid yourself and then berated yourself or whether it was others) usually provides some relief, but rarely leads to an improvement in the relationship. In the worst case, it damages the relationship in the long term.

So what do you do when you're really angry about something?

The best strategy I know for dealing with anger comes from non-violent communication and is called „Vaporise anger“. I learnt them at a seminar with the trainer Klaus-Dieter Gens learnt whose Audiobook introduction in non-violent communication („I hear what you don't say“) is one of the best things I know.

The strategy of vaporising anger is based on the fact that Anger is not a real feeling. This may come as a surprise - after all, you feel a lot when you are angry. However, when brain scans are carried out during anger, they show that anger primarily affects the regions of the brain that are responsible for thinking. The region in which „real“ feelings such as fear, pain, sadness, joy, surprise, disgust etc. are located, on the other hand, is hardly active when we are angry.

I am not a developmental expert, but I suspect that anger only develops a while after the other feelings in children's development. This would also be an indication that it is not a core emotion - even if it sometimes feels like an emotion when you are intensely angry.

In non-violent communication, anger is therefore referred to as a gatekeeper emotion, behind which the other emotions are hidden. I would like to illustrate this with an example. At the weekend, I stopped on my bike to give a car the opportunity to pull out of a parking space. However, after leaving the parking space, the driver did not drive forwards, as I had expected, but backwards - directly towards me, without seeing me. I was only a metre away, couldn't get out of the way fast enough and just shouted as loud as I could: „Stop!“ Luckily, she heard me and stopped just in time.

Most Berliners would have let out a loud rant: „They're stupid! How can you be so stupid? Have you ever heard of a rear-view mirror?“ But I didn't need the anger because I was feeling my real feelings. When she rolled down the window to apologise, I just said: „It's all right. I'm just terrified.“ Instead of separation, there was connection. [Later, I took the time to process the horror prayerfully and empathetically to get it out of my bones.]

Vaporise anger

In many situations, however, you are not so close to your own feelings. You only feel the anger at first. This is where the strategy of vaporising anger helps to get to the underlying layers. Because anger has a lot to do with thinking, it helps to get to the bottom of your thoughts by making assumptions. You think that....

I once experienced the most dramatic example at a seminar. I explained that anger has to do with what we think about life. When the participants didn't quite believe me, I spontaneously had the idea of asking if anyone was angry at the moment. One woman jumped up „I'm boiling with anger!“

At first I was shocked and thought it had something to do with me. But then it turned out that she worked in social services and had been called at two o'clock (!) in the morning by her line manager. He wanted her to immediately write a report about a person in her care who had recently been hospitalised. She was boiling with rage, but she wrote the report.

I asked her to sit down, but she said

„I can't do that, I'm far too loaded.“

So we conducted the dialogue standing up.

„You think your boss shouldn't have done that?“

„Yes, it could have waited! I wasn't even on duty.“

„You think he should ask for things at more appropriate times.“

„Yes, we want to do our job well and we all work more than enough anyway and do X amount of overtime and more is always expected of us.“

„You think everyone expects too much of you.“

„Yes, everyone expects something from you, but there's no one there to support you.“

At this point in the conversation, there was a sudden change. Instead of anger, there was sadness.

I picked up on this and said: „You're sad that you're not getting enough support?“

She replied with a deep sigh: „Yes!“

Arriving at the feelings

The rest of the morning she sat stunned in the seminar with her mouth open, amazed at what had happened in this short dialogue that had lasted less than three minutes. After focussing outwards on the people who had expected the impossible from her, she had arrived at herself, at her need for understanding and support. She could now feel and recognise this deeply. From here, she could then consider what options she had to fulfil this need.

If you are angry with someone, this does not necessarily mean that the other person has actually behaved wrongly. People also got angry with Jesus - but he only told them the truth. Anger merely signals: the other person is behaving differently to me think, that he should act.

Vaporise anger - layer by layer

When I help people to vaporise their anger, I usually just pick up on what they've said: You think you shouldn't do that...

As a rule, the other person goes one layer deeper with each „Yes, I think so...“. Every „yes“ signals: That hits the nail on the head - and there is a connection. Sometimes my suggested wording doesn't really fit, then the other person says „No, I think so....“ This also usually leads further.

When I'm intensely annoyed about something, I occasionally call a friend who can help me with specific „You think...“ questions to help me get to the root of the anger. It usually only takes a few minutes before I get to my actual feelings and needs.

Vaporise anger on your own

If there is no one to talk to at the moment, I can also vaporise anger in an inner dialogue with myself: „Ah, you think....“ This usually takes a little longer, but also leads to the goal.

You can find out more about the approaches of non-violent communication in my impulse booklet Difficult people.

And in the weekend training course Connecting communication, which I will be offering in autumn 2013 and certainly from time to time.