Pain, frustration and moving on. Or Rome wasn't built in a day either.

Gideon said to the angel of the LORD, "If the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Judges 6:13

That was my daily Bible text from the Watchwords. And it really hit my mood. More like blues. Today has been the most difficult day here so far. I was woken up in the middle of the night by my mobile phone, then dreamt crazy stuff instead of the heavenly revelations I long for. Tense, blocked back, severe back pain and headaches... no fun at all.

I haven't been able to find peace in silence either. Of course God is there, but I long to hear him speak to me more personally - not just for others. The latter is relatively easy for me. For whatever reason.

Then I prayed for Thea (name changed), who wasn't feeling well. Yesterday she had told me about stomach problems. I prayed for her. After that she felt a bit better, then really bad in the evening. That's great! When I saw her today, obviously weak and with a very bloated stomach, I felt so sorry for her. And I was just frustrated. I would love to say „In the name of Jesus, I command the sickness to go!“ Just like Aliss and others do. They rarely pray for healing. They rather act out of the authority of Jesus in which they see themselves standing. And then I would love to see her feel much better or completely well straight away. But unfortunately it wasn't like that. She didn't feel a bit better after the prayer. I was so frustrated.

When I was on the bus on the way to Chester, I started to cry. And all afternoon I cried again and again, thinking about how my own prayers for healing from the effects of several accidents that cause back pain, among other things, have not yet been answered. And when I thought about how much I long to be able to bring healing to people in the power of God. At the conference, I saw clear deliverance from occult burdens in three cases in response to prayer - that was impressive and wonderful. However, I did not experience any visible healing. Nevertheless, my chronic jaw pain decreased significantly after a prayer.

In Chester, I first went to the cathedral because one of our tasks here was to think about ourselves as a temple. I found it inspiring and comforting that this place was not built in a single day, but over centuries. There was a reading room inside the cathedral where the rules of St Benedict's order were read out in the former monastery. And even a courtroom. There were also places for prayer, memorial plaques in memory of people who had been lost, space for communion, communal prayer and the beautiful, quiet garden in the centre - surrounded by the cloister. I thought: there are also different places in my inner temple. Some are well developed. Others are still in the making. I was comforted by my time in the cathedral in relation to my own challenges in silence. The cathedral wasn't built in a day...

I then went to a café and read my emails. One was from someone I only have contact with once or twice a year. He wrote:

"Hello Kerstin,

rich blessings on your internship for healing.

I think your investment of time and faith is very good.

I think that when we understand what Jesus' resurrection really means

and seize our inheritance in HIM as daughters and sons,

then we live and act from a different consciousness.“

God knew that I needed encouragement on this particular day. It really touched me that it came today, when I was really feeling down.

In the café I then read the chapter on healing from the Book by Aliss Cresswell. And cried over and over again because I am so tired from years of fighting and so few successes so far. All the pain of the last decade - I have been praying for healing from the consequences of the accident for over thirty years - has made its way to the surface today.

Aliss herself prayed for twelve (!) years and sometimes fasted for God to use her in the area of healing. During this time, she experienced just two or three healings in answer to her prayer. She was often frustrated. Then suddenly there were so many healings that she could hardly keep up with writing them down. And the healings didn't just happen through her. But also through many others.

Sometimes we envy people who experience this. The Bible says that we should not covet what others have - regardless of whether these are material or emotional „possessions“ or spiritual gifts. The Ten Commandments clearly state that you shall not covet your neighbour's house or his wife. But God's Word encourages us to ask for what we need. And even urges us to reach out intensely for spiritual gifts, to covet them passionately.

I wrote in my notebook today how I want to react when I see another person who has something that I would also like to have - whether it's something spiritual, a relationship or something material.

• Express my trust in God that he is my provider
• Blessing the other person
• Ask God for what I want for myself.
• Asking God what the price tag is on it, what it will cost me.
• Ask God to show me the next step.

Oh...in the café I prayed for a newborn child - the parents were very happy. On the way home, I struck up a conversation with a young woman on a bridge. I had the feeling that God was telling her that she was a wonderful mixture of what God had put in her and what she had made of it. It turned out that she is a Christian. And we talked about various things for a while. You can actually encourage people, even when you're down yourself.

And no question: I'm going further. The song „Pioneer“ by Rick Pino says - someone has to build the road for those who come after him. And he encourages: Keep going, go through your fear and keep going! Okay!