Fulfilling needs: Happy is he who has four ways
Book tip of the week for anyone who wants to find more than one way to fulfil their needs
In Coaching discussions I often hear: „My partner (or boyfriend or boss or girlfriend/chef/mum) is too quiet. Too passive. Doesn't give enough compliments, etc.“
As a coach, I listen behind the scenes: I have a need, e.g. for appreciation, relief, etc., that the other person does not fulfil.
I can feel the anger, annoyance or helplessness that this triggers in my coaching guests. They only see one way to get the need fulfilled: The other person should do something. If this path is blocked because the other person doesn't want to (which is their right), then you really are helpless.
Unless you are creative enough to find many different ways to fulfil your own needs. I found lots of ideas for this in a book:
I would rather call the book: Take good care of yourself and invite others to do good for you too. Develop ways to fulfil your own needs.
Because it is ainspiring book that can help you recognise your own needs and then find ways to fulfil them - either by taking care of them yourself or by asking other people for support.
For many needs, she herself lists a whole range of ideas on how to fulfil them. Not everything is suitable for everyone, but her lists provide a variety of suggestions.
In some places I find her definition of needs somewhat confused and unclear: being right, for example, is just as much a need as being loved.
In the Non-violent communication would rather be defined as a (learnt) strategy to fulfil a real need, e.g. autonomy/security. In my Quado Nonviolent Communication I list the basic human needs.
Overall, the inspiring and creative ideas she has to fulfil needs predominate.
I read the book a few years ago and realise that the idea that I always have at least three ways of providing for what I need frees me. If I - as a believer - also see dialogue with God and petitions to him as another option, I even have four ways.
This realisation has taken the pressure off my relationships: When other people want to support me in fulfilling my needs, I experience this as a gift. Support from others is and remains one of my favourite strategies.
If they can't or don't want to give me the gift of appreciation, support or warmth (because they are busy with their own needs), that's okay too. Then I can calmly find other ways. Talane Miedaner's book provides lots of good suggestions.
