Forgive at last. This is (not) how it works
Forgiveness: the path to inner freedom
"Forgiving means releasing a prisoner. And then realising that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
The year 2024 taught me a lot about forgiveness. There were many challenges that weighed heavily on me, both personally and financially.
The investors of the site adjacent to my ship were particularly fierce: they forbade me and the people to whom I had rented space access via their property.
This meant that I had to bring all visitors, course participants and even shopping and building materials on board in a small dinghy. No problem in good weather. Even nice. When it was raining and raining heavily.
This all led to my tenants cancelling, me losing income and still having to pay back loans for the berths.
In short, it was and is a time full of challenges.
I wanted and needed to forgive in order not to break inside. Because forgiveness is the key to becoming free and not being consumed by bitterness. This is the only way I can meet the people involved with an open mind again and work together on solutions for the future.
What forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. I would therefore like to clarify some misunderstandings:
- Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
Forgiveness requires only one person: the one who forgives. Reconciliation requires two people who are prepared to approach each other. - Forgiveness does not require the question of guilt to be clarified.
Two people often have different perspectives. You can argue endlessly about whether someone has really done something wrong. The fact is: people can hurt each other even without malicious intent. In my case, the investors are legally entitled to deny me access. From their point of view they are acting correctly, from my point of view they are harming me - and that is exactly what I can forgive. - Forgiveness is not deserved.
When we think: "But the person doesn't deserve forgiveness!" this can be an indication that the person in question needs forgiveness. If people are so nice and wonderful that they deserve forgiveness, then you usually don't need to forgive them at all. We only need forgiveness for people who don't deserve it.
Why forgiveness is so liberating
Forgiveness releases us from negative emotions and thoughts. When we forgive, we let go of resentment, anger and disappointment that block us internally. Instead, we gain space for joy, peace and new perspectives.
Forgiveness not only has emotional benefits, but also health benefits. Studies show that people who are able to forgive have lower blood pressure levels, less stress and a lower risk of cardiovascular disease.
Forgiveness reduces the release of stress hormones such as cortisol. Less cortisol usually leads to a better functioning immune system in the long term. A study by the Johns Hopkins University even found that forgiveness can alleviate depression, improve sleep and increase overall life satisfaction. Freeing yourself from emotional burdens through forgiveness therefore has far-reaching positive effects on body and mind.
All of this inspired me to develop a course on forgiveness: Learning to forgive. The course is based on the Quadro training booklet of the same name. However, it offers additional videos in which I explain what it is about and report on my own experiences. You can book the Learn to Forgive course here.
Forgiving yourself - a special challenge
Sometimes it's harder to forgive yourself than others.
This is often because we harbour self-blame as well as specific guilt: "I should have known better" or "Why didn't I think of that?". However, these feelings of guilt are often not based on real guilt, but on unprocessed emotions such as sadness or helplessness.
An example from my life: During the corona period, I had concerns about the safety of the new vaccines that had been developed in an extremely short space of time. I encouraged people to strengthen their immune system and not to get vaccinated (unnecessarily or too often).
In my environment, a few people fell seriously ill with corona or suffered from long Covid. At the same time, I personally know more than a dozen people who developed serious health problems after being vaccinated: Myocarditis, autoimmune diseases, months of paralysis in the vaccine arm or speech centre and more. They were and are in a really bad way.
In some cases, the illnesses were confirmed as vaccine damage, in others this is only a suspicion due to the temporal connection.
I was tormented by the question: would people be healthy if I had expressed my concerns more clearly and perhaps they would have made a different decision?
I also asked myself: Is it my fault?
When I took a closer look, I realised: this is not guilt. Guilt is concrete. You know exactly what you've done wrong.
Feelings of guilt, on the other hand, are often diffuse. They are an attempt to cover up other feelings that you can't deal with well: In my case, the sadness about friends and acquaintances being unwell.
And the sadness that there is little I can do to help them (apart from expanding the health centre on the new ship as quickly as possible).
Sadness needs comfort.
Simply recognising the grief and empathising with yourself relieves and softens the pain. And so I did emotion coaching with myself and allowed the pain of the lives that were destroyed. And my helplessness. And used prayer and techniques from emotion coaching to relieve myself.
My tip: Find clarity - what exactly do you need now?
It is important to distinguish between genuine guilt and diffuse feelings of guilt. Where is forgiveness needed? Where do I need comfort and emotional relief?
What I can recommend:
When it comes to forgiving yourself and others: Then do the Learn to forgive course.
If you feel that these are diffuse feelings of guilt and you need emotional relief, then get support, e.g. from Coaching or two. I will be happy to help you untangle the knots.
If you are struggling with loads yourself, here are my recommendations:
- When it comes to forgiveness: Take the course "Learning to forgive".
- If you need emotional relief: Treat yourself to a Coaching or two. I'll be happy to help you.
Learning to forgive together
Forgiveness is also a wonderful topic for couples, families and groups. You can do the course together as a family, friends, house group or small group.
Order the Quadro Learning to forgive for all, book the Course and watch the videos together. The leader of a church that looked at the topic of forgiveness together for four weeks reported that one man was able to let go of wartime guilt in the first week. What a relief!
In addition, the impulse booklet Forgiveness as a complementary inspiration and is a nice little gift for people who want to make it easier for them to start forgiving.
Final thoughts
Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. It frees us from burdens that would otherwise block us. Regardless of whether it is about forgiving others or yourself: The path to forgiveness is always a path to freedom.
My recommendation: Embark on the path of forgiveness - for an easier and freer life.
Feel free to write to me in the comments about your experiences with forgiveness and the challenges that forgiveness presents you with.
