The most important tools for coaches

"I wish I wasn't always so tense and uptight", a customer told me.

Giving advice is not a coaching tool

We all give each other advice. A good friend or a counsellor would give tips in such a case.

• "Take magnesium"
• "Do progressive muscle relaxation"
• "Go for a walk more often"

Advice is usually well-intentioned.

Sometimes these tips are helpful, but often they are not.

This is often because they don't fit in with the life of the person seeking advice in some way. Perhaps they can't tolerate magnesium, always fall asleep during muscle relaxation and don't like going for walks or find it unbearable because of the dog poo on the path or not relaxing because of the ugly surroundings.

The other problem with a lot of advice is that it often doesn't get to the heart of the problem. Quite often, the person seeking advice does not know the core of the problem themselves.

I can remember a situation in which I was unreasonably tense for weeks on end - something I'm not at all used to.

My normal tips and tricks to become more relaxed and the good advice from others didn't help me at all.

It was only through coaching with a colleague that I was able to discover and resolve a stress-inducing thought pattern.

How do coaches go about it?

Coaching triggers processes

Good coaches rarely or never give advice. Instead, they ask unusual, powerful questions that help the client to find clarity for themselves.

This is usually done by asking questions that help the client to get to the bottom of themselves and, for example, to work out exactly the difference between the problematic thinking and behaviour and the desired thinking and behaviour so that the client can recognise and resolve patterns.

Questionsthat help you to gain new insights are, for example:

• How would you solve the problem yourself if you were 10 years older and more experienced?
• Imagine you've already solved the problem - how do you think you did it?
• What benefit has the problem had so far? How could you create the same benefit without needing the problem?

Such questions are challenging.

Sometimes customers answer spontaneously: "Wow, that's a good question" (or also "That's a sh... question").
But once they have found the answer, everything lights up for them.

The reason: when we have aha experiences, our brain releases a cocktail of intoxicating hormones that are similar to those we have during sex. You could put it a bit casually: You get an orgasm in your head.

There is a good reason for this: the release of hormones during aha-experiences leads to the intoxicating aha-experiences being remembered much more deeply.

Moments when you really understand something are far more memorable than when you are just told something.

I no longer have any idea what the Roman emperors were called, but I do remember the first time I looked at a map and realised why the land mass of Italy was called the "boot".

I don't remember the names of the English counties, but I do remember where and how I realised that "engaged" in English doesn't just mean "engaged", but also "occupied" (in the case of toilets).

Genuine insights that are linked to emotions change lives.

I asked the customer who told me about his tension how he would recognise when he was no longer tense:
 

"I would smile and look out of the window!"
"And still!"

"I would relax, take a cup out of the cupboard and make some tea?"
"What else?"
"I would eat an orange and enjoy it."
"And yet"

"But you are persistent!"
"Yes, and that's a good thing. So, what else is different...?"

All in all, I spent two hours doing nothing but asking "what else?" and writing down what he said.

During these two hours, a picture emerged in his head of how he could live and behave, a vision of a free and relaxed life.

He was fascinated by what he discovered. That has far more power.

Beforehand, he only knew what he no longer wanted - to be tense. Afterwards, he had a vision of how he wanted to live.

I didn't give him a single piece of advice, but gave him the space he needed to discover perspectives and solutions for himself through my questions.

I often experience this in coaching when clients tell me afterwards"You helped me a lot. Your advice was great!"

I didn't give them any advice, I just asked questions that led to aha experiences.

That is the art of coaching.

Helping people to get to the bottom of themselves through good questions and other tools.

Discover and learn coaching yourself

The best way to discover the difference between counselling and coaching is, of course, to treat yourself to a coaching session. With me, too.

I coach live in Berlin on my house and coaching ship, but also by phone and Zoom. You can choose and book appointments online.
https://kerstinhack.de

I have summarised some of the best coaching questions in the impulse booklet Power questions. Impulses for solutions compiled. https://down-to-earth.de/shop/power-fragen-impulse-fuer-loesungen-kerstin-hack/

And I have summarised the basic techniques of systemic coaching in the Quadro training booklet Coaching Basics explained.

This is a good introduction to better understanding coaching or, if you are already trained as a coach, a good summary of the best coaching techniques. https://down-to-earth.de/shop/coaching-basics-menschen-begleiten-und-foerdern-kerstin-hack/

See also the following article: When do you need coaching ? https://kerstinhack.de/allgemein/wann-braucht-man-coaching/