Envy of yourself – the surprising strategy for happiness

A while ago, the police stopped me at a motorway service station. They wanted to search my boot for drugs. The reason: I’d got out of the car, bouncing about happily, and in this country, anyone who’s happy is treated with suspicion.

It had all been triggered by a dream I’d had the night before. I’d dreamt that I was jealous of myself. When I woke up, I had to laugh. What an absurd thought. But it stuck with me.

Then I went on to think: if I’d had a different life – a childhood in the city, for example, or in another country – there would be many things I’d envy. The garden of my childhood. My grandmother. The education I was lucky enough to receive.

During a long car journey, I found myself listing the things I might envy if this weren’t my own life. With every kilometre, my gratitude and joy grew. At the next service station, I hopped out of the car so cheerfully that the police thought I looked suspicious.

The exercise: Envy of yourself

The idea is simple, and that is precisely why it works. Ask yourself: What would I envy about myself if I didn’t have it? Or: What might others envy about me?

That’s not sugar-coating things. You’re deliberately choosing to ignore the difficulties for a moment and focusing only on what’s there. 

For example:

• your partner, even if he or she gets on your nerves sometimes
• the children, even if they don’t tidy their room
• the job, even if it’s hard work
• home, even if it’s a bit of a faff
• your home, even if it isn’t perfect

Here's how to do it

Take your time: a long car or train journey, or a long walk. Find at least 100 things that enrich your life. Things you might envy if it weren’t your own life.

If you like, take some time afterwards to give thanks. To people, to God, to life, and even to yourself for everything you’ve contributed to it.

This question takes things a step further: 

What would I like to have, but can’t yet because I don’t have it at the moment? 

Perhaps you’re longing for a nicer place to live with a garden. For more fulfilling relationships. Or for a different job or voluntary role where you can make better use of your strengths.

Then ask yourself: Is this really important to me? 

If so, start planning what you can do to build that life. Often, more is possible than you might initially think.

What research says about gratitude

The effect is not just a momentary sense of well-being. In a widely cited study, psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough found that the study cited A group would write down what they were grateful for each week.

A second group, by contrast, wrote down the things that bothered them. After several weeks, the gratitude group reported feeling more positive, more optimistic and having a greater zest for life than the control group. 

Other studies have also found a link with better sleep and lower stress levels.

So this effect is not merely a nice way of lifting people’s spirits, but one of the most thoroughly researched tools in positive psychology for mental and physical wellbeing. 

If you’d like more support

Sometimes it’s not the big things that matter at all, but rather building a good life overall. 

If, whilst thinking about this exercise, you realise that you feel you want to steer your life in a new direction but aren’t quite sure where, you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

Feel free to book a free Clarity Meeting with me, and together we’ll look at your next step towards a better life with greater fulfilment.