The five languages of forgiveness
Or… why making excuses is pointless.
I’m currently reading in English The five languages of forgiveness by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. I find the basic idea convincing – that there are different ways of expressing a request for forgiveness.
One can emphasise that one
– shows empathy towards others: I’m sorry
– Takes responsibility for their own actions: I acted wrongly.
– wants to make amends: I want to sort this out.
– would like to change their own behaviour: I will try to act differently in future
– asks for forgiveness: Please forgive me.
Depending on what matters most to the „victim“, an apology will be received more or less favourably. That makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes, for example, it’s not enough for me if someone simply says, „I’m sorry.“ That doesn’t reassure me that things will be different in future.
Even though the authors didn’t state this explicitly, as I was reading it, it also became clear to me why justifications don’t go down well.
When someone justifies a behaviour, they are expressing two things.
– I had a good reason / a good motive for acting that way. Please Take note of that. [Note: This is actually obvious anyway. We generally don’t do anything without a good intention behind it. Example: Defending or protecting ourselves is a good intention that is actually meant to serve our lives. It’s just that the way we sometimes go about it isn’t conducive to relationships or to other people’s lives. When someone justifies their actions, there may be an underlying plea: ‘Please acknowledge me and recognise that I had good intentions behind my behaviour.’]
– I believe that action was justified and would act in the same way again if I were in a similar situation.
When someone chooses not to justify themselves, they say:
– I had a good reason / a good intention for acting the way I did; otherwise, I wouldn’t have done it. I trust that you notice and acknowledge this.
– And: I didn’t take you and your needs into account. I’m now taking them into account and realise that my actions weren’t ideal / good, because they upset and hurt you. Next time, I’ll look for a way to ensure that my own good intentions and can better cater to your needs.
This takes the pressure off and paves the way for a new way of working together.
