What am I actually interested in? Recognising needs and how to deal with them
Sometimes I am unsure.
Uncertainty is a state of doubt. We always experience it when we feel that we are no longer in control of the situation. When we cannot accurately assess and predict the consequences or perhaps even have no influence on the events that affect us and cause us anxiety. We usually feel insecure in the face of a perceived danger.
It shows that one need is being neglected: the need to make everything understandable and tangible.
That's how I feel sometimes. Then I just want to get away. Away from the pandemic, away from the scaremongering, away from the real problems and conflicts. Just away.
It's not that simple. You often can't simply escape the challenges. And pulling the covers over your head usually doesn't really help for long either. But what does help is to go from what is on the outside to what is on the inside.
Take a few deep breaths.
Non-violent communication teaches us that every emotion we feel indicates a need that has been fulfilled - then we feel good - or that has not been fulfilled - then we feel bad.
This also means that if you're not feeling well, you're neglecting something.
What are needs?
In a lexicon, a need is understood as a state of deficiency and is also experienced as such. If needs are not met, something is missing in life.
We humans are all the same in one respect: we have very basic needs such as eating, drinking and sleeping. These serve our survival.
We differ in other needs, such as psychological needs (contact with other people, the need for autonomy, etc.). These differ in intensity.
Abraham Maslow is very well known. In the 20th century, he developed the relatively well-known Maslow's pyramid of needs developed. It gives us an initial insight into what people strive for and what they desire.
We humans first look to fulfil physical needs. Once one level of the pyramid is largely covered, a new need is awakened at the next level up.
Everyone needs physical rest. But exactly what kind is good for us has to do with the circumstances in which we live and how we organise our lives. A professional sportswoman has a different need for physical rest than, for example, an office worker who moves less. The one stretches and massages herself to recover, the other probably longs more for a brisk walk in the fresh air.
As we need very different things - apart from the basic survival needs - there is no master plan that shows you what you need to do to fulfil all your needs. However, I do have a method that can help you recognise your current needs. But more on that later.
Needs, are they good or bad?
"This person is so needy!" is not a compliment in our society. The sentence "He ruthlessly asserts his needs" does not exactly describe pleasant contemporaries.
Neediness is seen as a flaw. The ability to put one's own needs on the back burner or even ignore them completely is seen by some as a prerequisite for leadership. Most people give people who signal that they expect others to fulfil their needs a wide berth. In short: having and showing needs does not have the best reputation.
Wrongly so, because needs are deeply human.
Needs serve life
If our basic physical and emotional needs are met, we can live our lives well. If something essential is missing, life is threatened.
The American psychologist Alexander Maslow published his model of human needs in 1943. He names five categories: physiological needs (sustenance), security, social needs, individual needs and finally self-actualisation.
These needs are universal, all people have them. According to Maslow, needs follow a certain logical hierarchy. Firstly, the basic needs (life sustenance) must be fulfilled before higher needs (life organisation) can be met. All basic human needs are neutral and good. You simply have them. They serve life.
If your needs are not met, you will die sooner or later. This is obvious in the case of food or security. With a little thought, you realise that social needs such as community, individual needs such as learning and self-realisation also serve life.
Our ancestors knew that if you are on your own in the wilderness, you have less chance of survival - and you can still experience something of this reality on extreme mountain tours. You need a rope team. If you don't learn, you don't stand a chance. In the past, it was vital to know about poisonous and edible plants or what to do when a sabre-toothed tiger comes round the corner. Today, you are left behind if you don't keep up with all the technical developments - a major challenge for many older people.
After all, the development of one's own gifts has helped to make everyone better off. I am very grateful to the man or woman who invented the wheel, including Mr Gutenberg for the printing press, Coco Chanel for more comfortable women's fashion. I am grateful that Marie and Pierre Curie, Wilhelm Röntgen, Alexander Fleming, Van Gogh and many others have followed their passion - and thus enriched my life.
The Non-violent communication distinguishes between needs and strategies.
A need is universal and independent of specific people or situations that can contribute to its fulfilment. For example, the need for food, protection and safety can be fulfilled in different ways. The many different ways of satisfying a need are called Non-violent communication Strategies.
Why is this distinction so important?
Because disputes almost always take place at the level of strategies. Needs cannot be discussed. Hardly anyone will deny others their central needs.
People almost always argue about the best strategy to fulfil a need. People in Europe and the USA have a need for security. In the USA, many people consider private ownership of firearms to be a good strategy for fulfilling this need. Many Europeans see it differently.
Or mothers and children agree that the need for food is justified. There is then a difference of opinion as to what the best strategy is, whether fries or vegetables.
People argue and argue about whether this or that is the best way. And often get nowhere because the respective strategies are deeply linked to a justified need. If this becomes transparent, understanding usually arises - which takes a lot of pressure off relationships.
Needs and strategies
It would also be nonsensical to deny basic needs. You would hardly think of telling someone: "You shouldn't have a need for water or food." That would be tantamount to telling them: "You should deny the desire for life." That makes no sense.
However, people often choose ways to fulfil their needs that conflict with the needs of other people. Those who fulfil their need for food by stealing it from other people are harming them. It is not the need that is the problem, but the way people choose to fulfil it.
This can also be seen in social and individual needs. Someone - Gaugain, for example - wants to live out his passion for painting and leaves his wife and children, who were economically dependent on him, in the lurch. Or someone has a - justified - need for closeness. But he tries to fulfil it by becoming very intrusive and no longer giving others any space.
It is not the needs that are bad, but the ways that are chosen to fulfil them.
Those who know themselves and their needs, have them in mind and take care to fulfil them in a way that also takes others into account, live well. As one of our basic needs is to give others a share (participation), they will generally also benefit if we take good care of ourselves
How can you recognise your needs and find good ways?
To recognise your needs, you can use my Swing concept of the 8+1 elements of life utilise.
This will help you get to know your needs better and become better at fulfilling them so that you and others around you are as comfortable as possible.
When all your needs are largely met, you experience a good, balanced life. Many people associate the idea of a balanced life with the expectation of feeling more joy, strength and satisfaction.
The Swing concept recognises the basic human needs that are important for a balanced life:
- Vision and creativity
- Order and structure
- Sense and productivity
- Highlights and celebrations
- Energy and joie de vivre
- Relationship and love
- Reflection and alignment
- Rest and regeneration
The special thing about this concept is that although it is important for a fulfilled life that all elements are present in life, it does not matter where and how they are lived out. Whether vision and creativity unfold at work or in your free time is not so important - the main thing is that they find space in life at all.
The term balanced already suggests that there is too much of something in one place that is missing in another. But what exactly it is that needs to be brought into balance often remains diffuse and unclear.
This will help you Swing.
Find the missing
The chemist Justus von Liebig describes the principle he discovered: a plant needs certain trace elements. If one of these is not present in sufficient quantities, the plant does not grow properly and produces a lower yield; if one element - the minimum - is missing, it is no use having more of another element. If salt is missing, phosphorus is also useless. Or if the body lacks iron, more vitamins are of little help. More of a good thing doesn't make it any better.
If you lack rest and relaxation, it won't help if you plan more highlights and celebrations.
Because Justus von Liebig was not only clever, but also a vivid teacher, he developed the image of the minimum tonne to anchor his findings in the minds of less intelligent people. The water in the barrel represents the maximum capacity.
The maximum filling quantity is limited by the lowest slat (technically known as the barrel stave). If you want to fill more water into the barrel, there is no point in making some of the longer staves even longer. However, even relatively small improvements to the shorter stave lead to a drastic increase in capacity.
General. The contents of the barrel symbolise the overall quality of life. The individual slats or staves symbolise the eight elements of life.
What are you missing right now?
Which one to three elements of life do you often neglect? What could you do specifically to give them more space over the next few days? Take a look at the 8 elements of life mentioned above. Or, to make it even easier:
Do this 60-second quiz and find out which building block you need particularly urgently. You will then receive your result and a detailed PDF with tips free of charge.Just an idea:
Draw your own minimum tonne. Mark on it which elements of life usually find a good place, which ones less so. If you like, add ideas on how you can live out the individual elements.
There was still the plus 1
That's right, I'm talking about 8+1 elements of life. The plus 1 is: Faith and (self-)trust.
Many people think that too much self-confidence is detrimental to faith. This can be the case if you fall into the arrogance of being able to do everything without God.
However, it is much more often the case that people think little of themselves, such as "I'm worth nothing!" "I can't do anything!". And that they project the associated feelings and thoughts onto their relationship with God: "Other people are more important to God than I am." "I can't pray / read the Bible / give my testimony. I'm not a good Christian!".
Therefore, a healthy strengthening of self-esteem can also have a direct or indirect effect on our relationship with God.
A good life includes the relaxation and security that faith and trust provide. Your life will become much stronger and easier if you actively look for ways to promote faith and trust that suit you.
Perhaps you feel the need and the desire to trust God more and become stronger in your faith.
God is everywhere in 8 + 1
God does not "only" want to show himself in the area of faith and trust, but in all areas of life.
Learning to believe... Is that possible?
Just the other day, a woman who had come on board my ship for a time-out said to me: "I know all this about God's love in my head, I wish I could really believe it from my heart, but it doesn't reach me inside."
If you feel the same way, then I recommend the online course Ida. In your arms. Experiencing God's fatherly love.
IDA helps you step by step for three months so that the knowledge of God's love moves from your head into your heart. So that you can feel it and believe it.
Uta, who works at IDA describes it like this: "IDA is so well put together and almost brings back a childlike attitude to my faith. The fact that God loves us so much and that we can enjoy it has almost been lost to me through my long Christianity and ministry. Your practical tips bring me back to a deeply grateful and joyful relationship with God."
I know how hard it is when you can't change anything about a situation - at least on the outside. Internally, there is always a way to achieve more peace and serenity. I sincerely hope that you find this way!
