Marital crisis - marital bliss
The time of Reflection in Antwerp also brought back many memories of my long-time friends „Henk and Henriette“.
I recently visited them. Readers may recognise them and the story of their marriage crisis from my book The hut and me. Back then, the crisis had only just been overcome, but the old tension was still in the air.
Now, on the other hand, it was simply soothing to be with them. They spoilt me with massages, coffee and delicious food during my short time with them - wonderful. But even nicer was their interaction with each other. It was so relaxing for me to see them so happy.
There was no longer any sign of the old marital crisis. It wasn't because they were hiding anything - our relationship was and is far too open for that. Rather, it was because they are now doing really well together. They are much happier together now than they were 10 years ago.
Marital crisis - the relationship at its lowest point
After all, it wasn't always like this. A few years ago, when the children had just left home, the couple had been in a deep marital crisis for several years. Henriette told me at the time:
„I know I won't leave him, but I have no hope that I will ever be happy with him again.“
In contrast to her, Henk was helpless and paralysed. He tried hard to do better. But nothing he did seemed to work. It seemed as if there was nothing he could do to bring the relationship back to joy and vitality.
However, they both wanted things to get better again. As a friend, I did my best to support them - with my own mixture of empathy, professional coaching questions and a good dose of directness. All of this is supplemented with practical tips and an attempt to listen inwardly to what God may have wanted to say to them to strengthen them.
Support in a marriage crisis - as a friend and coach
Of course there were other people who accompanied them during this phase, but they both say that I was a key person for them during this time. I can still remember some of the encounters and conversations well.
Of course, I was mainly at her side as a friend during the marriage crisis. In addition - with her permission - I also gave my Skills as a coach used. Permission is very important to me. I often compare coaching tools to a doctor's scalpel. You only use this - even with friends - after consultation. And only in the right setting.
When I look back, one scene is the most memorable: she brought me delicious coffee in the morning and sat on the edge of my bed. He joined me and I did two hours of solid marriage counselling in my pyjamas. Admittedly, this was a rather unusual setting. But this conversation was an important milestone that brought her out of the marriage crisis.
Marriage crisis - what helped?
It is exciting for me as a friend and as a coach to find out what was helpful and effective. That's why I recently asked her directly over a delicious dinner:
What of what I did was most helpful for you in your marriage crisis?
Your exciting answers
Faith: It did me good that you believed that we could make it and gave us hope. It was also good that you were very realistic at the same time. It wasn't cheap, cloudy hope, but really „down to earth“.- Impulses: Some of your prophetic impulses and thoughts that God has given you in prayer have given me a lot of courage.
- Book tips: One of the books helped us a lot. Among other things, I recommended a book by Eva-Maria Zurhorst, whose basic message I appreciate: What bothers you about the other person says more about you and your needs than about them.
- Backing: It helped me that you had my back. I often had the feeling 'It's all my fault!' It did me good to hear that this is not the case.
Marriage crisis overcome - marital bliss rediscovered
It was not an easy journey. But it was worth it. Now she says:
„I'm so glad we stayed together. It's so nice and relaxed together now.“
And I am grateful that I was able to use my skills as a person and coach to help heal the relationship and overcome the marital crisis. Of course I have professional training and invest a lot of time and money in training to be as good as possible.
Nevertheless, I always find it a godsend when love is rekindled and people find more life. Perhaps midwives feel the same way as coaches - you get to be there when someone new comes to life. It feels as if you are allowed to be part of a miracle.
Note: In the book The hut and me. Trusting God anew - a journey I have given the two friends the names „Henk and Henriette“. I want to keep this for reasons of personal privacy.
I photographed the paintings in the house of the Belgian artist Agnes Nys. However, I don't know whether they were created by her or by another artist. In any case, they show people who are strangers to me.
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